A Patient of the Human Condition

Are people Bad?

Hate/anger/violence is not my solution. The only time something good comes out of hating something is "hating hate".

Instead, let me tell you about compassion, and how to view peoples "bad" speech, actions and behavior with understanding for their perspectives & experiences.

I didn't say excuse their behavior, because I believe a human should be responsible for their own actions, speech and behaviors. Simply understand their perspective and their experiences that got them to this moment.

At that point simply address the "bad" behavior/speech/action and correct it without assigning a judgement on the human who holds a particular viewpoint. You know, with words and punishment if necessary, but not violence or more hate.

This helps me to "mentally untangle" the human being (who is always capable of redemption) with the poor actions/speech/behavior that I disagree with (sometimes to my very humanity). It helps me to not become hateful when confronted with hate.

This enables me to love my family, friends and even strangers who sometimes believe WAY differently than I, but whom I love as fellow human beings.

Practicing today.
Not passive-aggressively pointed at anyone!

Feel Good technique

Feel Good - This was my practice today and this is why.

 

The Feel Good technique is a compassion/gratitude practice which when done correctly helps to train the mind to notice these things in daily life, thus affecting a persons general "mood".

 

Invoke Good feeling - Find that memory, story, visualization, or whatever in your life that you are truly "Feeling GOOD" about. For me that's my daughter, much of my volunteer work and helping others.

<specifics - gazing at my daughter as she sleeps, feeling of connection with another, making a difference to another human being>

 

Take this and focus on it until you can see it clearly, until you can discern small details of the experience. This is sometimes referred to as "ringing the bell" of that feel good memory/story/image/sound/sensation.

 

After you've "rung the bell" now focus on the feeling that you're having. Be curious about it. Rest in it. Enjoy it. What are the qualities of those feelings? Where are they located spatially in your body?

 

Then as it fades (as it will), practice equanimity with the passing of the experience. Do not push or pull. Shy away from or lean towards. Aversion and craving. Expansion and contraction.

 

If desired "ring the bell" again.

 

What this FUNCTIONALLY does is gives the body the impression of that feel good experience that you just visualized. Your body just reacted/responded as though you've had some approximation of the actual experience.

 

Why this particular meditation today of all days? Because you know, today I just needed to have a real genuine smile.

 

I wish you all my best on your introspective journey.

Zen while vomiting

Ok.  It's one thing to bliss out on a cushion and quite another thing to work it into your daily life.

I'd like to tell this story of how I used my mindfulness skills when I had the flu.

 

As some of you may know I'm a leader in the Arizona Burning Man community.  One of my responsibilities is to share information with the communities and to that end we have 2 town halls a year 1 in Phoenix and 1 in Tucson.  My hope is that others will see the reason in this thinking and perhaps may find this line of thought as a life-raft during crisis.

 

Note: As I will be speaking of feelings at a very detailed level, some readers may find these descriptions unpleasant.

 

 

I wake up in the morning and am not feeling well.

I go sit down on the toilet because my stomach is really roiling.

<Hmmm…  Should I just kneel down?>

I assume the throw up position.

<Breathe Ron.  It will either happen or it won't.  No need to force anything.  No need to rush.>

Breathing slows, heartrate drops

<focus on breathing and that I'm safe at home>

<I still need to go to the bathroom>

I sit back down on the toilet

<maintain focus on breath, savor the release in going to the bathroom, appreciate the pleasant experience>

Mouth starts watering.

<Really self?  The bodies natural reaction to needing to vomit, Breathe, allow the salivation to happen, don't resist it>

Flush. Clean up. Flush.

I assume the throw up position.

<Focus on the breath and things slowly return to normal>

*Whew*

 

Back to a normal thinking brain out of crisis mode.  Boy that was unpleasant.

What do I have to do today?  Oh man, I've got the Tucson Town Hall today.

 

The day proceeds something like this….

Ok, despite feeling like shit, you're going to need to "do the thing" anyways.

I'm carpooling with friends and my car is economical so I drive.  I let them know that I'm not feeling great and I may want to bail right after the town hall.  I drive, we talk and I have little bouts of nausea but am able to work through it with background attention.  We arrive safely and I socialize and while not feeling well, don't make a big deal of it (or don't think I did).  I do find several moments of quiet to sink into a restful state and to bring my attention back to my breath.

 

The meeting seems to go well.  Did anyone notice me focusing on my breathing?  I hope my distraction wasn't evident.  I say goodbyes intending to head home as I was feeling bad.  As I'm heading out to pack up my car…

<boy it's warm out here>

Wave of nausea hits

<if I can just get to my car, nope… not going to make it that far, around the corner then>

I put everything down and "take a knee"

<it will either happen or it won't, relax.  Not getting away from it this time.  Relax and don't resist.  Equanimity.>

Sweat, tightening, heaving

<it's ok, you're just getting sick.  You may even feel better.>

Contraction

<oh look, yesterday's dinner, breathe, you're just sick, it's fine.  Breathe.>

 

I wipe the tears away and return shakily to my feet.  No, I'm ok now.  Thank you for the paper towels.  No, I can load up the car.  As I look to driving and if I'm going to ask for a friend to drive, I assess my current state of being.

<The sweating and heartrate are going down, the lightheaded feeling passing, stomach feels fine, not exhausted or in pain>

 

I'm feeling much better now. Let's do the after party for an hour or so.  My friends who carpooled with me looked at me, with a "you sure you want to go" look on their faces.  We went and enjoyed the time until coming back up to Phoenix after an hour with friends.

All was not well in my household though as I later had a fever, while coaching my own 7 year old who was experiencing the trauma of vomiting herself…  Which gave me the idea that if it helps her, maybe it helps others.

A path of mindfulness

I look back at my life and see threads of mindfulness through it.

BurningMan taught me spontaneity.
Buddhism taught me meditation.
Parenting taught me compassion.
Deep and loving connections with others taught me of our interdependence.

I wish you a practice of mindfulness.

A beautiful moment

I've increased my duration of mediation recently to an hour in an effort to manage the holiday season with more skill.

This morning I was listening to Shinzen Young (my teacher) go over a "working with the holidays - windows and walls" meditation session from his home practice program.  And for whatever reason I had an experience where I tasted self-compassion for this being that is my "self" and was really able to see/know/feel the difference between the love and support I was given as a child, and what I have provided and now provide for my children.  I was able to give myself the love, support and understanding that I would give my family (born or found).

There are times when I don't feel deserving of that.  Times when I treat myself like someone I don't really care for.  My mind can be a terrible place to walk alone in after dark.

I then continued on, and was appreciating the difference between when I started sitting and where I was at that moment.  A moment of joy.  I was having an awesome meditation session.  Boy I needed it.

 

Then my daughter came in.  She sees me meditating and lets the dog in.

Dad - "Sweetie, can you take the dog back out?"

Aria - "Why?"

Dad - "Because I'm having a nice time meditating and I'd like to not have her licking herself the whole time."

Aria - "…"

Aria - "Well, isn't that just something you sit and listen to then?  Hear it right?"

Dad - "…" <thinking> - Yes, it's all part of my meditation practice, dog licking and all.

Dad - "Yes, you are absolutely right!  You were listening when I taught you!" I beamed

Dad - "Thank you for being my teacher in this moment." I bowed to her

She beamed.  She was so proud.  My heart filled.  I started crying.

Aria - "Are you crying?"

Dad - "Yes, happy tears."

Aria - "I love you daddy."  She comes in and gives me an huge honest hug

Dad - "I love you too Aria."

 

I pause the meditation recording and spend the next 30 minutes laughing and playing catch/keep-away with her and the dog.

 

Now as I sit and reflect and write this I think back and cry again.  Moments like this don't come along every day.  It's important to see them, recognize them, pay attention to them, and appreciate them.

 

This Christmas I wish you at least one moment of Joy.  I hope that you see it as it happens.  I hope that you appreciate it.

 

All my love to you,

Ron

A Micro-hit of Mindfulness - Paying Attention

I had a strange cascade of thoughts where I stepped on some sand outside my back door, and I was actually observing my thoughts as the "story" started to arise.  The story of my daughter emptying out her shoes, and then, I quickly went to get the broom and simply swept the sand from the back porch paying attention to my actions.  It was the most interesting sweeping job I've ever experienced.

Spoon Theory

We all struggle at times.  Its part of the human condition.  The hard part in dealing with the problems of everyday life is that often times there are just too many things to do and if you tried to do everything it would exhaust you.  So the key is managing your day (the exchange of energy and information) with the "most ease" that you can muster given the tools in your toolbox.

This is where my "Spoon Theory" comes in.  Spoons represent a unit of energy.  If you think of waking up every morning with 20 spoons and its up to you to use these units of energy (spoons) in the most effective way throughout your day.

Normal day vs day with depression

Getting up = -1 vs -5

Meditation and exercise = -2 vs -5

Getting to work = -3 vs -5

Working till lunch = -3 vs -6

Lunch = 0 vs -2

Afternoon work = -4 vs -8

Home = +1 vs 0

Spend time with community = -3 vs -10

Time for self (pursue your passion) = +5 vs 0

As you can see on a normal day the management of spoons is tight, but anything that throws your mind into dis-ease quickly sees an increased cost in doing things that you are familiar with.  We inherently know this and most time our own experiences validate this theory, but the real value comes when you can assess your current level of "spoon fullness" and then watch as your spoons come (do things that generate spoons for you) and spoons go (do things that cost you spoons).

When you become adept at assessing this you are capable of awareness of where your current energy level is at, and as different situations happen throughout the day you can self-assess where you are and what the costs will be for a particular thing.  Most importantly it provides you with a way to prioritize how you spend your time and energy throughout the day and make a conscious choice to engage in something or not.

Here is an example from personal experience.

I had not been thoughtful of another persons feelings and I was apologizing to correct the situation. As I was apologizing I got several angry texts from a friend offended that I'd been so thoughtless.  I simply told them that "I didn't have spoons for this right now", and thus focused my spoons on the repair of the relationship, not what my friend perceived was happening.  This was the right way and place to spend my energy not getting into a text-fight about what I did or didn't do.

As I interact with others and plan out my day I estimate how many spoons I think each major chunk of activity will take and as my day goes along I pay attention to the ebb and flow of the energy and information being passed back and forth.  This allows me to look objectively at a situation assess the "spoon cost" and decide if i want to engage in that activity and if so, how many spoons am I willing to spend.  Remember you are actively choosing in what activity to engage in and what you're are comfortable spending and how many spoons you're willing to spend engaged in that activity.

All in all this framework or theory has helped me to self-organize in a productive way, and allows me a new tool for communicating with my friends who understand spoon theory.  I hope that you find the concepts and practices helpful.

A journey towards Joy

TLDR;  Happiness derived from external factors is fleeting and ultimately unfulfilling.  Here's a path I've taken to "better happiness".

July of 2016 I was as heavy as I've ever been.  I would sometimes hit 250lbs and for a guy who was always "a stick" in high school this was WAY heavier than I ever wanted to be.

October of 2016 I left my position at Insight to pursue a dream/passion of mine.  At that time I knew I'd be out of work for a while since I really wanted to try my energy at this Utopia42 idea.  The idea has come in fits and spurts with some limited successes (and many failures).

As part of an agreement I made with myself at the time - For whatever this amount of time I will be chasing my dreams, I will also meditate daily and exercise regularly.  I wanted to get to a solid 200lbs, and to be in better shape both physically and mentally (Book of Joy & Joy on Demand).  Part of this was the commitment to embrace the Stoic philosophy of subsisting on the scantest of fare.

I've experienced that the attainment of the goal has no lasting satisfaction.  The happiness and joy that I thought I'd feel when I set out on my journey came and went like a breeze.  And you know what, that's a good thing.

This demonstrates the impermanence of all things, the ever changing expanding and contracting, the very fact that "this too shall pass".  The wonderful thing is that if you can view this impermanence with equanimity then you can truly be more free from the suffering that comes from grasping after the things you want but don't have, and the things you don't want but have anyways.

The happiness never was in the goal, the achievement, the attaining.  The happiness is in the way I genuinely feel in my body and how I'm so much more active now, and can easily touch my toes!  Do you know how much more fun I have playing with my 6 year old?  Tons!  That's where the true joy is.  Having those moments that will mean something to you as you reflect back over your life.

This is the most important thing.  Happiness and Joy are trainable skills.  No different than learning how to play a musical instrument, practice these things and you will get better at the skills of Joy and Happiness.  Practice these things enough and your neural pathways will actually change (for the better) and your brain will grow (neuroplasticity) as has been validated by F-MRI brain scans.  These skills are available in books, videos and audio, usually for little or no cost.

Here's why more people don't do it.  It's WORK.  Training your "monkey mind" takes effort.  Similar to exercise, if you want "a 6-pack" abdominal, it takes an amount of effort and consistency.   If you want to start seeing material benefits from mind-training (meditation) then in as little as 50 hours of focused, training you will start noticing these "meditative sweets" that give you the experience of what it can do for you.

If you'd like more Joy and Happiness in you life I can't recommend this path enough.  I urge you to take the time to become curious about the vast landscape of your own mind and start spending time delving into your own journey in pursuit of more Joy and Happiness in your life.  All the links to get started are right here.  Simply take the plunge, I know you won't be disappointed.

Reflecting on the death of a friend

I had a friend and we "shared the same trajectory", he and I were in similar situations:

• We saw each other at common functions 2-4 times a year and I've known him for about 10 years.
• We talked about life, his feelings, my feelings and our perspectives in conversations several times.
• Both of us came from technical backgrounds.
• Both of us had acquired a "nest egg" that we were dipping into for expenses.
• Both of us were in periods of our lives where we were not in the traditional IT/engineering workforce careers.
• Both of us were growing and finding ourselves.  Him in lovely Colorado, and me in Arizona.
• Both of us in our late 40s and single (me with kids=home, him without=traveling)
• Both of us near neurotic in our pursuit of quality craftsmanship and attention to detail in our goods purchased.  As we often admired the way the choices were investigated as much as the final solution itself.  I share this oddity with several others that I know as well.

Simply, we were good friends.

And he recently chose to take his life.

And now I'm faced with looking into all these similarities and analyzing my own life, state of mind, thoughts and emotions.  I believe that when a significant event happens, that it's a good time to stop, and take stock of your own perspectives so that I can learn from the experience.

Over the past year my friend and I followed different paths.  He went to seek adventure, and I involved myself with my community, and my relationships with my family, found family and friends.  I'm volunteering at hospice.  I'm meditating regularly (every day) and exercising (almost every day) and really focusing on my mental and physical well being.  In short the past year of my life has been a journey of exploration of who I am, what's important to me, and how to take the next steps in my life so that my internal values align with what I'm doing in the world.  It's a joy to say with conviction that the past year has been one of the absolute BEST years of my life.

So why am I here and my friend isn't?

I honestly believe that it's because of my focus on positive connections with other human beings, and doing things for others in a selfless way that has contributed to my happiness and satisfaction with my life.

But it's more than just the actions.  It's the mindset behind those actions.

We are all simply human first.  Pursuing joy and avoiding suffering.  Before race, politics or religion, we are all human.  When you approach the world through that perspective, the way you experience the world changes, which makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE that you would expect it to make.

As I look back on the loss of my friend I am grateful for my choices and where I am today.  I am thankful that I've returned to a place where my normal emotional state (my "set point") is one of gratitude and joy.  I too have been in "that dark place of depression" and looking back on that point in time in my life I have a compassion and understanding for how horrible it is to be caught up in those depressive thoughts. 

I will miss you my friend.

The controversial opinion game

 

This ideal blatantly stolen (with permission) from @SeanBlanda

https://medium.com/@SeanBlanda/the-other-side-is-not-dumb-2670c1294063#.lnncsckn7

http://www.instituteforcivility.org/2016/01/28/playing-controversial-opinion/

 

I'm creating a table with these rules inscribed on the face.  There will be 4 stools.

Rules -

For the "hot seat"

• State an opinion that you believe is controversial -
• Respond to the questions with a story or experience from your own personal life.
• You are free to cease the conversation at any time

The "learners"

• The other 3 people at the table can only ask questions about why the hot seat holds the opinion they do.  Use open ended questions.
• Questioners must wait for the hot seat to pause for 5 seconds before asking another question regarding their opinion.

The topics/judgements discussed at the table, stay at the table.  Leave it there and learn from it.

Remember - I can disagree with your opinion, but not your experiences.